I’ve been alone on New Years. I’ve been in a new relationship on New Years. I’ve never been alone with friends in new relationships on New Years. This year however, my choices are staying at home with my dog, sweeping in and out with the old tenth tennis ball he has chewed to shreds since Christmas, or go to a party with one of my best friends. The choice should be simple. Should be, however the crop of new -and omg like, so amazing- boyfriends that seem to have waddled out of the murky waters of lake Ontario and mated (for life, like penguins) just in time for that oh-so-special evening when disco balls bloom into earrings and you wait for the most anticipated kiss of the year, have made things complicated. It’s New Years. And I’m alone. My friends are dating new babes-presumably, I’ve yet to meet all of them- and I. Will. Be. Alone.
To force myself out of bed with my slobbering canine, and into a room with my slobbering besties, I’ve done what any logical, mature and single twenty-four year old would do. Here is my list of why my New Years alone is going to be twenty times better than my newly shacked up friends.
Under Pressure
Birthdays, Christmas, Valentines Day, Thanksgiving, and of course, New Years; Holidays that make being in a new relationship so much more stressful. Spend it together, celebrate seperately, or scramble to meet up before midnight? Joke gift, real gift, or no gift? If you’ve ever been at the beginning of dating someone (lets say under a month) when these milestones strike, I feel sorry for you. Pressure to make it the perfect night and set the tone for the entire relationship to come can be devastating to newborn coupledom-- especially when your boyfriend shows up to your birthday three hours late, high on pot and mushrooms, with lemon cake mix and ranch salad dressing as your gift (I prefer caesar, thanks for noticing).
I Like to Get Drunk and You Can’t Stop Me
Let’s face it. If you have ever been to a party with me, you know that despite what I might say about ‘taking it easy’ on the holiday spirits, I often end up obliterated, singing Mariah Carey by an open youtube window. The list of potential break-up inducing behaviors that might creep out of me on a night so full of hype and booze is endless. Telling my new boyfriend to “look at me” because “I’m wearing pants and they’re sooooo tight,” or doing tequila shots alone and jumping on his bed to Madonna’s Borderline until I throw up all over his bathroom, are just two embarrassing things I can imagine happening. (Note: these things actually happened.)
Maybe these instances are reasons I should lay off the hooch, OR maybe they are why it is so much better for me to be single during this most wonderful time of the year. Who wants to be counting their rum and cokes and worrying about at what time of the evening it is acceptable to take off your skirt and play twister? On a night full of such wildly unrealistic expectations about new beginnings and making it ‘the best night ever!’, why should I hold back? Worrying that my new boyfriend and his friends will find my drunken oddities more alarming than charming is not something I want, nor am prepared to sacrifice my night for.
I’ll Be There For You, When the Rain Starts to Fall;
Boyfriend's and Girlfriend's Friends and Why, Unlike the 90s Sitcom, They Are NOT Always the Best
I love making nice with my boyfriend’s friends. I buy them drinks, make them cookies and try my hardest to compliment their haircuts. Similarly, on most occasions I go out of my way to try and bond with my besties’ significant others. New Years is not one of these occasions. It is a night when I just want to get tipsy enough to do the Beyonce choreography I memorized last summer. Pleasantries like ‘where are you from’ and ‘your all-male triangle and aeolian wind harp band sounds like it would be great’ don’t come easy. We all just want to party, so why am I stuck telling your new beau and his socially uncomfortable friends about my American Lit course from two semesters ago?
Is this really the best time for your new boyfriend or girlfriend to meet all of your friends, or vice versa? Can’t we save the ‘getting to know you and your friends’ portion of this new romance to a casual drink on a Tuesday? I sincerely want to meet your best friend since grade three that you killed a garden snake with in Arizona last spring, just not tonight. Emotions run high, tension is palpable, and someone always ends up getting slapped (I’m sorry). In the same vein, I ask my friends in new relationships, do you really want to spend your entire night entertaining your new boo by the bowl of cheetos, or would you rather bust a shape to Drake’s new album with your fun single friend?
The Inevitable Breakup/Ruined and Tainted Memories
This one is by far the number one reason to be single on New Years. It’s about to get reaaal in here y’all, so buckle up.
Remember New Years 2007, when your new boyfriend invited you to his house for a 70s party, and you both (not fitting the theme) danced to Otis Redding in his basement? SO GREAT, kisses, love, together forever etc. Then do you remember when he broke up with you a week later over email because he wanted to get back with his ex?
I do.
For the rest of January being asked the simple and common question of ‘what did you do for New Years?’ felt like getting emotionally run over by a bloat of hippos blowing noisemakers. Like it or not, we will always remember who we were dating that Thanksgiving- or even that super special National S’mores Day for those of us with a keen hippocampus. For some (me) the promise of someone to kiss at midnight is not worth all the residual heartache and need to carry around travel sized kleenex until June when people finally stop asking about what you did that fateful December 31st. Perhaps this is a pessimistic stance to take, in thinking that all New Years Relationships will inevitably end, however, as I strap on my wedges, and strife to zip up my own dress, it’s the only way of thinking that will draw me out into that perilous evening when the ball drops.
*please note, the author of this piece does not actually think her friends are stupid, and likes their new boyfriends.
